Lost

Jace.

My Jace.

Gone.

I know I should be grateful for the 86 years he spent by my side-- growing up next door for 16 years as my best friend, and for the next 70 years as my everything-- but all I feel is empty.

When I was 21 and pregnant, I thought the world was ending. Dying. I thought I would die, young and desperate, but at least in the arms of the man I loved more than my own life.

Instead, I brought hope, bore it in my body and gave birth onto the dying soil of the old world, ushering in the new.

We were the first, Jace and I, and then Phaedra and Lucian following, bringing twins into a world born of chaos.

And I know, I know, that my husband dies satisfied, with great hope in his heart. We have our 6 children, all happily married and close around us when he slipped from my grasp. We have over 20 grandchildren, 10 quite young, laughing and playing and bringing joy to Jace's heart until the end.

But now I am lost. I bore the world, I carried it on my shoulders, and I led our family out of the darkness, but without my beautiful, passionate man, I am tired.

I am lost.

I am ready to go home.

Oh, Jace, my Jace, I had always hoped to die first. And you told me, you whispered, "I'll see you in the morning," but I don't think it will ever be morning again, ever be light, without you by my side.

Jace, you were the reason I never lost hope. You made me the fiercest, the happiest, the strongest woman I could be.

And now my love, my Jace, I am ready to make the last, long journey, forever sorrowing that it is not with you by my side.